GIRLDY -youngs R Rebel N RoYal- in RED

Individualism... I must be as selfish as you, but dream for comrades in arms.
Naiveness, everytime you make me lose confidence in you, I ponder on my stupidity... and I cry :

"why am I that stupid, how could I believe in you... I am too naive to think that you would be my friend, that you would always be there for me ! I shouldn't have trusted in you... my only friend in this world is myself and no one else, you're just a superficial friend, you have your own troubles your own problems your own life your own happiness .... I was too stupid to have choosen to believe on you ... I am just nothing for you in front of yourself and your own interests. I must stop this stupid feeling ....... Too kind or too dependant ? Too naive or too much confidence in the others ? Whatever, it's tiring me, I'm exhausted, I hate being hurt that way, I hate to have my trustworthy betrayed. I've chosen to believe in you, but at the end I feel myself played like a toy.. I must stop believing in the others ...... no one's better than myself for me."

Indeed ... 'stupid'. A naive child who doesn't want to grow up, that's how I am. Afraid of wounds, thinking that this is just wasting time, but all this is just not right.
I know, that always accusing the others of our suffering is just finding excuses to justify our laziness, and remain loser. But it wasn't enough yet : No pain, no gain, I finally understand.

Even though I'm still afraid of those complicated thinking complicated feelings .. -deception unfairness sadness emptiness- but I promised myself to learn to grow up...
I want to grow up, because I know that being born in this world, my life should have been created for something. Something important... and I want to protect, protect something important that I still don't know what exactly...

Feeling dizzy, I'm losing breath. Maybe he or she wasn't the right person, maybe I was just too childish, maybe ... I was or you were just a passenger in this life, I mustn't hold you up, I must let you go ....... Too sentimental I am, can I keep you ? Can I remain weak ? Can I persist in thinking that you are still thinking of me so I can keep thinking about what you're feeling .. ? .... so hard ... don't know what is right to do, and I'm not asking you anything because, I'm afraid of your answers. Coward ... I've always wished to be cool....still learning how to grow up. I start understand things little by  little. I seem to begin to know what's life and not what's society. I don't know if I'll pull through. I don't know what is real kindness, nor a real human. But I know, that I'm doing my best for Life, come what may, because, I love myself, and those who I love too.. even if it's not mutual... (I'm ugly like this ... where's the Worth in all this ?)

Is human's nature ugly or beautiful ? I just know, that the artist is this third face of humanity ... and I AM an Artist, and I want to become this. Star ... is not my dream, but my reason for living.


--- by Girldy, 20december2010 ...02:27am, before sleeping, pondering on my concern while watching Bleach. Anxious of how my life will be, dark or light, black and white... want to become the one I'd like to be. Victory, may I have your hug please ? ... no, shouldn't please, but fight for it, because in order to having something like this, I first should prove that I'm worth it, I deserve my dreams.

When will I dance again
When will I sing again
When will I draw again
When will I design again ...

Since when have my english become so bad ...
Since when have I been so broken, no balance
Since when have I been lost in all I want to and I must do
Since when have myself been lost in this society ... in Time, in Life?

I'd like to buy the world
I'd like to work as a...
superwoman, supergirl, superartist, and become super-rich, super-famous...

Thinking ... will I have this kind of luck?
Will I have the place I've always been wishing to get?
He told me not to think too much while there's no necessity,
He told me not to dream only while it's action that I need.

But what should I do? I'm still Lost.
And anger! eager! I hate this part of me.
There are hopes on me,
There are eyes on me... I can't fail, can't lose, can't break down
But I do.

Hmm ... my broken english ... as a paper-teared book.
What means fame? If it's to become tyrant...
What means wealth? If it's to make only unfairness...
... no the question of what life is, won't be asked ...
Cuz there's no need to put myself into melancholy on addition of labyrinth.

Should I walk with eyes blinded then?
Should I still be wondering what to do maybe?
Should I better follow advices leading me to my selfdestruction?
Or should I ... do nothing at all? .. No, the last solution is not one of the right one. So obvious.

Damn ~ what to do? how to do?
My ways are blocked.
No one's here to give me a hand... though my loves love, love is not enough to fight against the world.
Young here means poverty, sadness, no future, death ... But why? Young is life, the future!
It's a complicated society ... I don't understand you. And you can't imagine how many times I'd like to say it in front of you, to you : Oh fuck you !

But still you are old, you must be respected.
Eventhough I don't want to... cuz I want my future, & the world must change.
The future is in our hands. Yes the majority of this country's future, or more than that now, of this world, is in your HANDS! Youth!
If your future life = not rubbish, than fight for yourself !

And finally, I'm still confused... (sigh)
Diploma is just a paper meaning nothing at all... . But the society only takes a look on it instead of you.
It's a sad reality, but everybody is ok with that. Oh Shit ! YOU ARE OK, but NOT ME !!
All this just makes me SicK !

So, diploma or not? (what am I afraid of? Why don't I trust in myself?)
So, enough time to do all you have to do or not? (oh come on! I need to sleep! I'm not a robot!)
So, passion or not? (of course YES! I'm not here to praise that old shit system! I am Young ! I work for me and those who will follow behind me! I have also responsabilities, and I'm not going to do something I don't like, and do it naturally badly! So just let me do what I CAN DO!)
So, decision or not? ( ... not yet. Not enough sure to tell, if I'll be able to handle my future or not...)

And that's your problem.
[why so worry? why so scared? letting 'em prevent you from going on, rather than believe in your abilities? Fucking doubts! Where is myself?!]

- by GIRLDY

PHOTO by Raphael
RETOUCHEE by Girldy