I've gone bad... Well I think it was unavoidable, I think I was searching for it too. Because I think am Basically Bad. Love that song since the first time I heard it, and now I know why.
Yet, before when I listened to it, it made me sad like 'Don't let me turn into it, cuz if you let it do so, will mean you don't love me enough to care about me..'. Thinking about joining girls who go bad made me sad and hurt my heart.
But, now it doesn't ache, doesn't itch. Im proud, to finally be able to get away from this. Such a drug, it was. Farewell the odd me, hello futur !
You just walked away from me. You didn't say anything and just walked away...
Telling me everything's over now, you say you can't help, but maybe I could do something. Something was not going on, but you didn't tell ... because I'm not enough grown for you. And I admit, I wasn't ... I'm.. so angry to myself.
Well we tried 2 times, I thought we were made to be together and that it just needed some more time. Anyway, there's no rainbow without rain and thunder before, and no pain, no gain. But it seems that in fact, I was just too stubborn. Thinking that believing in it and in me (I forgot you) was the best thing to do. But it wasn't perseverance, but forcing ... .
I didn't know what was right and what was wrong, everything was so misleading. Now I realise, all this was because I didn't want to admit, that I was already OUT.
I should have let you go, and should not have believed in this false happy world.
Don't know if I should be grateful to you, for making me grown up, or if I should hate you, for hurting me that much. Maybe should I just stay quite, looking far ahead, and pretend to be cool, as cool as you do.
It was toiling me. But... tastes like black chocolate. Somewhere in my soul, it was quite sweet, sweet enough to make me dependant on him. We arenot made to be together, at last ... far away through the fog, I perceive my mind coming back to me. I lost something for sure, but maybe ... it's not that bad. And who knows .. one day in the future, maybe we'll meet again. But before reaching my dream with the tip of my fingers, I think that.. I'd better be alone. No more influence, no more dependance. My mind has to stay clear, it must not fall into any drugs, any poisons. Cuz I know, I'm not strong enough to support it.
Just hate feeling completely lost.. Big girl has to be a big girl, I want to grow up, but I'm so lazy to force myself making it. La ~ lalalalala ~
Individualism... I must be as selfish as you, but dream for comrades in arms. Naiveness, everytime you make me lose confidence in you, I ponder on my stupidity... and I cry :
"why am I that stupid, how could I believe in you... I am too naive to think that you would be my friend, that you would always be there for me ! I shouldn't have trusted in you... my only friend in this world is myself and no one else, you're just a superficial friend, you have your own troubles your own problems your own life your own happiness .... I was too stupid to have choosen to believe on you ... I am just nothing for you in front of yourself and your own interests. I must stop this stupid feeling ....... Too kind or too dependant ? Too naive or too much confidence in the others ? Whatever, it's tiring me, I'm exhausted, I hate being hurt that way, I hate to have my trustworthy betrayed. I've chosen to believe in you, but at the end I feel myself played like a toy.. I must stop believing in the others ...... no one's better than myself for me."
Indeed ... 'stupid'. A naive child who doesn't want to grow up, that's how I am. Afraid of wounds, thinking that this is just wasting time, but all this is just not right. I know, that always accusing the others of our suffering is just finding excuses to justify our laziness, and remain loser. But it wasn't enough yet : No pain, no gain, I finally understand.
Even though I'm still afraid of those complicated thinking complicated feelings .. -deception unfairness sadness emptiness- but I promised myself to learn to grow up... I want to grow up, because I know that being born in this world, my life should have been created for something. Something important... and I want to protect, protect something important that I still don't know what exactly...
Feeling dizzy, I'm losing breath. Maybe he or she wasn't the right person, maybe I was just too childish, maybe ... I was or you were just a passenger in this life, I mustn't hold you up, I must let you go ....... Too sentimental I am, can I keep you ? Can I remain weak ? Can I persist in thinking that you are still thinking of me so I can keep thinking about what you're feeling .. ? .... so hard ... don't know what is right to do, and I'm not asking you anything because, I'm afraid of your answers. Coward ... I've always wished to be cool....still learning how to grow up. I start understand things little by little. I seem to begin to know what's life and not what's society. I don't know if I'll pull through. I don't know what is real kindness, nor a real human. But I know, that I'm doing my best for Life, come what may, because, I love myself, and those who I love too.. even if it's not mutual... (I'm ugly like this ... where's the Worth in all this ?)
Is human's nature ugly or beautiful ? I just know, that the artist is this third face of humanity ... and I AM an Artist, and I want to become this. Star ... is not my dream, but my reason for living.
--- by Girldy, 20december2010 ...02:27am, before sleeping, pondering on my concern while watching Bleach. Anxious of how my life will be, dark or light, black and white... want to become the one I'd like to be. Victory, may I have your hug please ? ... no, shouldn't please, but fight for it, because in order to having something like this, I first should prove that I'm worth it, I deserve my dreams.
Why am I always the only one who gets hurt ? Those who hurt me, those who didn't hurt me... live their lifes, go their ways. The world continues turning on itself, Life Goes On, ... except mine.
I'm the only one who cries while beside me, everybody laughs. Maybe I don't belong to this human race, maybe I should go ...
What should I think? What should I do? Unable to go back to the one I used to be before you, because she was only an illusion, or a shelter, she existed to protect me from violences. Now that I must be strong instead of being a simple poison, I have to find another mask... but which should I choose ? Which will be a good one allowing me to continue existing ? Where should I go ? How should I express it ?
Now that I can't be as natural as when we were together, hand in hand, shoulders at one same line, ready to run until when we reach our dreams... Now that I've lost your heat that relieved me everytime I bacame anxious ... I am lost in this complicated cerebral system. Can somebody kills this stupid love virus in my mind ?! Now that in my eyes it looks doom and empty, every second I'm scared of how would my tomorrows be.
Besides, there are still many problems I have to solve. I thought you would be by my side everytime I'm going to fall but ... you seem to have found your sky within one night after we have decided to take a break... Too hard, this is just too hard for me to keep my legs stood, keep going on, I'm not even in mood to choose my mask...
If everybody lives as life goes on, then can you also give me a break, let me get a rest? If it continues, I'll end up breaking down... It's too hard to keep the show going on or even to start another one. You are too hard... You know, my soul is sleeping reluctantly, so Time, please give me a break, so Life, please give me a break, please ... let me be less anxious, let things be easier to experience, keep problems calmer... let me take a break too, me face to face with my soul, face to face with my ego, face to face with my life.
I wonder if he will read this text... nop I don't think he will. For too many reasons, I don't think he will... . Only Girldy knows what she's thinking, what's she feeling, hmpf ... at least at this point, you haven't changed, just like before, like before ... .